ain,

when i first step into class during the PAE 2004, suhaila (was that her name?) and you were the first few friends i had. we basically hang out with each other alot, but it was the three of us, and you knew her way before we knew each other so both of you were very close to each other. i still remember when the 3 of us were eating in the canteen i think, and i introduced you to the busuk but yummy thing (i forgot what is it) and i commented that you looked glum even as you were eating the food, as if the thing tasted really terrible. and i was really amused. i wondered how you managed to pull such a long, depressed face.. even when you were eating. well i guess after that when we found out more about each other, i wasnt really bothered by your glum and "want-to-fight" face.. because you really can pull it off, any time anywhere you want to..

and then we found new friends. PU1 really passed by so fast. suhaila left us, we made new friends, adapt to the new environment, stressed ourselves out because of studies. we had cliques and i learnt to love the class very much. we danced during racial harmony, we had our crushes, heartbreaks. we shared our tears, joys, worries, doubts and not to mention laughters. i liked you from the start. i like you because you seem so pure, innocent and quiet. but i get very uncomfortable if you started blasting at anyone you were irritated at eg. braggard. (this got worst when you sat beside him in PU2) we got to know each other well. and right from the start i know, and i know that you know, that we were different. very different from each other. you're so quiet, reserved, passive, innocent and obedient.. and me, loud, aggressive.. haha. howells, despite our differences, we managed to keep it cool. and i loved every bit of time we spent together. i forced you to eat out everytime, till your parents commented on us. HAHA. i guess we did spent quite a lot of time together. watched movies, ate out, window-shopped. and remember the blue book??

somehow when we were in PU2, things changed. i was busy with my council.. and somehow i realised (and everybody did too..) that you drifted away from me. actually to be specific, you didnt exactly drifted, you totally isolated yourself. you were with someone else, while i watch you from afar. ohwells i thought, maybe she found a better friend who can better cater to her needs. maybe she found the one friend who truly can understand her, more than me. although i felt like i lost something precious, deep in my heart, i know that im happy as long as you're happy. as long as there is someone to keep you company, even if its not me. at that point of time, i guess i can never have a best friend. it has always been that way.. i was always part of a group.. during primary sch, it was 4 of us. during my lower secondary days, it was a bunch of us.. i had two close friends, but they came and go too.. like you said. so i thought, its ok. as much as i wanted you to be "the best friend", i thought if you found someone better then maybe we just dont click that well. i remembered i told my problems to zash, dayah, shan.. who lent me a listening ear. i guess they noticed it too. maybe you felt that i had other friends.. and maybe you feel that we cannot spend much time anymore. i felt angry somehow that you cannot understand my situation, that i had and i tried to manage my time between council, family, studies, you and my friends. when you got attached, i guess it became worst. i just stepped back and let nature take its course. i missed you. but you somehow were happy.. and i had other friends.

but we were still friends together. and when we get together i felt very happy and i somehow feel that you were happy too. there were certain point of time when im reminded that you're someone else's best friend. like the letters you guys wrote to each other. and when you told me that on alternate days you go to school with her. not that i bear grudges against her or anything. in any case, she is also one of my good friends. but these things tell me again and again that you are closer to her than to me. there was this one time when we became close again.. i didnt know what happen. and then september came... and i met hafiz. soon my world revolved around him.. (there are many many cases ain, that he told me to spend more time with you.) haha..

and then recently when we got to PU3, when i saw that she totally neglected you. i felt kindda angry. angry with her for treating you that way.. i basically cannot understand her purposes, but somehow i cannot stop you from befriending her. you missed her.. and i will never forget that in any case, if you hafta choose between her and me, you will be more likely to choose her over me. i wanted to take care of you.. of your feelings, of our friendship. you are fragile, and i didnt want to affect you in any way. at some point of time last year, i even got pissed with ure bf for being so ignorant abt ure needs. hafiz, dayah, fariz and i often discussed a lot about you. trust me dear, you have always been a topic in our conversations. but this year, your relationship took a turn. there were a few complications but ure bf seemed more attentive towards you and i felt so happy. happy that at least u guys are happier now and at least u now spend more time with him.. and i so wanna go on double dates with you or triple dating with you and dayah.. like the few occassions we had.

and me. since the start of this year.. i got into so much trouble. and maybe im greatly influenced by you and hafiz.. i tend to worry and brood about the smallest smallest details. at the same time, i wanted to smile for you. i wanted to show you that im free from problems.. i didnt want you to worry. actually i wanted to do the same to hafiz too.. but somehow he can like see through me. and i couldnt keep anything from him. both of you are the two people i love most in my life, besides my family.. and if possible, i want to show the both of you that im strong and i dont want u guys to worry anything abt me. somehow i feel that you dont need to know about my worries. and its not because i dont need you. im not saying that. im scared that you will have a totally different perception of me once you know of my problems. and maybe then you will totally ignore me. that is my greatest fear. i know that you are not ignorant or blind. you can see that im crying. but there are somethings i have to keep away from you. i dont want to hurt you.

ain, i may not tell you 1001 things.. but im still the same friend you had in PU1, except maybe ive become naughtier. im still the same beachball with seaweed on top, except maybe now the seaweed is shorter. im still the same syahirah who cares for you and loves you for ure frowns, your long face and your sudden stress outbursts. and i still want to tell you that i might not be the one you need, but i am and will always be there when you need me.


yours truly,
syahirah

today, i saw something new. i discovered my NAUGHTY MONKEY!! oh man, i shouldnt be saying this, but i really think that he is super cute! candy for the eyes man. seriously. haha. and zash discovered her eye candy too. i had the history seminar which was really interesting. i learnt new stuffs, and tts whats important. and the presentations were great too. today, i told myself that i shouldnt worry and brood so much because i finally got what i wanted and its the weekends already!! (: also, i am so so so looking forward to the PU3 retreat. and i think i wanna talk to hairwis cos i miss him and i need to see him in his uniform.

today was madness. did a lot of things, thought about a lot of things. drowned in my worries and fears. had lunch at pizza hut and watched FEARLESS. very deep movie indeed.. and hafiz really wanted to watch it so we went ahead. cant believe we watched like 2 movies 2 days in a row. apparently someone's very upset while talking to me on the phone. i hope YOU'RE okae. *huggssss* i know i irritated you sometimes, (ok maybe all the time.) im soorry. im just paranoid again. i waited for it, and its not coming.
please come.

its very rare to have such a nice sunny weather like this. im missing hafiz - again. heh. i miss being happy and free from problems.

today, the highlight of the day was to wait for hafiz for close to an hour and 30 minutes!! hah. wanted to die there seriously. a headache was creeping, and i didnt have a handphone, so i had to wait patiently. saw yanee, moses and a few other interesting people. when hafiz finally reach the place, i wanted to go home. hahah. well, i cannot go home so late. really. and actually i have a few things to do.. lit p8 annotations, econs drq.. SIGHS. and maybe a few other things that i totally forgot about.
things are crazy around me. sometimes its really difficult to accept things the way they are. everything is just too complicated and WRONG.
i just pray for the best for my loved ones.
and sayang, thanks for sending me all the way home today. i know you were dead tired after your race. i hope you'll rest well tonight and tomorrow. i looooove you.

seriously what am i gonna do now?
hafiz went for his driving lesson, in THIS RAIN, yeah. i wonder how he'll manage to pull it off. anw, he'll end in about an hour's time? urgh.
i gotto do something before i start thinking too much and getting all paranoid again.
but i have no mood for my drq!! or any tutorials or revision for that matter!
the rain is really heavy.. hmm..
its the weekends btw!!

days are better now i guess. and i hope for better days ahead of me, ahead of us.
valentine's day, 14022006
i didnt bring treats for everyone! hah! because i was very busy the day before and buying goodies wasnt really the top of my priority list. but i really enjoyed that day very much. i got soooo much goodies and treats and tokens from everyone around me, thanks ZASH, AIN, SHA, NITHIYA, AZLIN, DAYAH, DEE, SHAN, THO!! (and also to those of you i forgot to mention) and of course thanks sayanng.. i really love the watch cos firstly its not digital.. haha!! and secondly, its PINK!! you know i cant resist pink. (: anw, honey gave me a nice valentine's day smooch and a red rose!! *beams* and plus he was a great date. hahaha.. we went somewhere cosy and nice to eat after school.. took loads of pics together, talked and talked and talked. i really enjoy that place, we should go there more often sayang.. heh. and after walking around, we went home.. i reached home feeling blissed. i really enjoy talking to him.. though sometimes we tend to talk about all sorts of depressing things (that's what he loves to do.) haha.. still, i would not wish for a better valentine's day. thank you everyone..

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ok the highlight of the day was the lunchtime show by mark and the mojos. hhaha.. really it was fun to watch them play.. they were fine and i really like watching them enjoying themselves while performing on their guitars and all. and i also dedicated yellowcard's only one. and they played only one as their last song. i really think the song is soooo bittersweet. haha.. and hafiz was there to watch the whole thing with me. i guess he wasnt particularly interested, but nevertheless i appreciated his presence and i think he likes yellowcard's only one too. the crowd was streaming in when they played their first song, so i guess overall it was fine. a good start. hafiz went for his track training. and so i had to go home myself. ): what was more miserable was that i lost my pink flowery purse that mom gave to me. and inside my purse was my ezlink, my house keys and the money that i managed to SAVE. i dont save money for nothing. and when i started saving for something, my purse got lost. don't ask me how i lose it. i seriously dont know. anyway lucky i checked for my purse when i was in class packing my bag. and shan gave me a dollar for my bus ride home. THANKS SHAN. i called hafiz and started whining like a baby and he started scolding me for not searching properly. haiyaaa.. anw i told my mom that day itself.

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today i found out that i hafta pay 19 bucks to replace my ezlink. i almost vomitted out yesterday's dinner when i heard that from zash. sighs. what to do.. anw mom said i'll have to do it on saturday. i think i ate a lot for lunch today. i got myself chicken chop plus a fish fillet and fishcake. im sucha greedy girl. but i guess i hafta force myself to eat regularly cos my stomach feels really bloated since last week.. thanks to my grandma for her stomach massages and to my mom for mixing the smecta for me, my stomach is getting better since that day. thank god. cos i really felt uncomfortable and worried and distracted. hah! today after sayang sent me home, i went to wash up and pray and i tried to ring him on his cell, but it was OFF. haiiiyaaaa.. i thought of writing him a letter tonight. maybe i will. hmm...

i look forward to:

• this sat 18022006 - acjc carnival. actually no one wants to go with me, but i thought we seriously shouldnt waste the carnival tickets. urgh. but neways, hafiz got a race this sat so i thought i could meet him after his race and we could go for dinner at town or something. that would be nice.
• 22022006 - ehe. its HIS birthday!! huahuahua..
• watching army daze!! that would be nice although the tix are quite expensive.
• PU3 Retreat in March - i hope he can go. i hope it'll be loads of fun with my friends especially.

falling in love with you deeper and deeper each day.

how should i put this? i was filled in by zash and manan about the so many things that happened. and i feel quite happy.. im sure shan and zash noes for what la. im glad for them la. HAHA. it actually kindda brightens me up. and those two.. my sunshine when it rains.. heh. howells.

yesterday went to watch "fun with dick and jane" with ain, wan and dearest. and it was extremely funny. we intended to watch memoirs of a geisha but it was like SOLD OUT. so we bought tixs for the screening at 5.10pm and then we went to eat at kfc bcos apparently somebody didnt want to eat at burger king. the movie was really awesome, i wouldnt want to give a commentary on the movie here but i guess what made the whole movie the way it is was jim carrey. jim carrey is really hilarious. hahaha..

and the best part was - sayang treated me to SWENSENS!! hahahaa.. i love him laaa. haha. we both got sticky chewy chocolate. i guess hafiz was eyeing my ice-cream and it looks tempting right? haha. anw, i guess i can never gobble up the whole thing alone cos its super sweet and i was thinking of letting hafiz eat my leftovers (as usual).. but i did finish it all myself.. i cant wait to see memoirs of a geisha on tues!!

ok hmm. gotta go now, hafta call him, annotate my lit p8 readings and iron my uniform for tmr.