ain,

when i first step into class during the PAE 2004, suhaila (was that her name?) and you were the first few friends i had. we basically hang out with each other alot, but it was the three of us, and you knew her way before we knew each other so both of you were very close to each other. i still remember when the 3 of us were eating in the canteen i think, and i introduced you to the busuk but yummy thing (i forgot what is it) and i commented that you looked glum even as you were eating the food, as if the thing tasted really terrible. and i was really amused. i wondered how you managed to pull such a long, depressed face.. even when you were eating. well i guess after that when we found out more about each other, i wasnt really bothered by your glum and "want-to-fight" face.. because you really can pull it off, any time anywhere you want to..

and then we found new friends. PU1 really passed by so fast. suhaila left us, we made new friends, adapt to the new environment, stressed ourselves out because of studies. we had cliques and i learnt to love the class very much. we danced during racial harmony, we had our crushes, heartbreaks. we shared our tears, joys, worries, doubts and not to mention laughters. i liked you from the start. i like you because you seem so pure, innocent and quiet. but i get very uncomfortable if you started blasting at anyone you were irritated at eg. braggard. (this got worst when you sat beside him in PU2) we got to know each other well. and right from the start i know, and i know that you know, that we were different. very different from each other. you're so quiet, reserved, passive, innocent and obedient.. and me, loud, aggressive.. haha. howells, despite our differences, we managed to keep it cool. and i loved every bit of time we spent together. i forced you to eat out everytime, till your parents commented on us. HAHA. i guess we did spent quite a lot of time together. watched movies, ate out, window-shopped. and remember the blue book??

somehow when we were in PU2, things changed. i was busy with my council.. and somehow i realised (and everybody did too..) that you drifted away from me. actually to be specific, you didnt exactly drifted, you totally isolated yourself. you were with someone else, while i watch you from afar. ohwells i thought, maybe she found a better friend who can better cater to her needs. maybe she found the one friend who truly can understand her, more than me. although i felt like i lost something precious, deep in my heart, i know that im happy as long as you're happy. as long as there is someone to keep you company, even if its not me. at that point of time, i guess i can never have a best friend. it has always been that way.. i was always part of a group.. during primary sch, it was 4 of us. during my lower secondary days, it was a bunch of us.. i had two close friends, but they came and go too.. like you said. so i thought, its ok. as much as i wanted you to be "the best friend", i thought if you found someone better then maybe we just dont click that well. i remembered i told my problems to zash, dayah, shan.. who lent me a listening ear. i guess they noticed it too. maybe you felt that i had other friends.. and maybe you feel that we cannot spend much time anymore. i felt angry somehow that you cannot understand my situation, that i had and i tried to manage my time between council, family, studies, you and my friends. when you got attached, i guess it became worst. i just stepped back and let nature take its course. i missed you. but you somehow were happy.. and i had other friends.

but we were still friends together. and when we get together i felt very happy and i somehow feel that you were happy too. there were certain point of time when im reminded that you're someone else's best friend. like the letters you guys wrote to each other. and when you told me that on alternate days you go to school with her. not that i bear grudges against her or anything. in any case, she is also one of my good friends. but these things tell me again and again that you are closer to her than to me. there was this one time when we became close again.. i didnt know what happen. and then september came... and i met hafiz. soon my world revolved around him.. (there are many many cases ain, that he told me to spend more time with you.) haha..

and then recently when we got to PU3, when i saw that she totally neglected you. i felt kindda angry. angry with her for treating you that way.. i basically cannot understand her purposes, but somehow i cannot stop you from befriending her. you missed her.. and i will never forget that in any case, if you hafta choose between her and me, you will be more likely to choose her over me. i wanted to take care of you.. of your feelings, of our friendship. you are fragile, and i didnt want to affect you in any way. at some point of time last year, i even got pissed with ure bf for being so ignorant abt ure needs. hafiz, dayah, fariz and i often discussed a lot about you. trust me dear, you have always been a topic in our conversations. but this year, your relationship took a turn. there were a few complications but ure bf seemed more attentive towards you and i felt so happy. happy that at least u guys are happier now and at least u now spend more time with him.. and i so wanna go on double dates with you or triple dating with you and dayah.. like the few occassions we had.

and me. since the start of this year.. i got into so much trouble. and maybe im greatly influenced by you and hafiz.. i tend to worry and brood about the smallest smallest details. at the same time, i wanted to smile for you. i wanted to show you that im free from problems.. i didnt want you to worry. actually i wanted to do the same to hafiz too.. but somehow he can like see through me. and i couldnt keep anything from him. both of you are the two people i love most in my life, besides my family.. and if possible, i want to show the both of you that im strong and i dont want u guys to worry anything abt me. somehow i feel that you dont need to know about my worries. and its not because i dont need you. im not saying that. im scared that you will have a totally different perception of me once you know of my problems. and maybe then you will totally ignore me. that is my greatest fear. i know that you are not ignorant or blind. you can see that im crying. but there are somethings i have to keep away from you. i dont want to hurt you.

ain, i may not tell you 1001 things.. but im still the same friend you had in PU1, except maybe ive become naughtier. im still the same beachball with seaweed on top, except maybe now the seaweed is shorter. im still the same syahirah who cares for you and loves you for ure frowns, your long face and your sudden stress outbursts. and i still want to tell you that i might not be the one you need, but i am and will always be there when you need me.


yours truly,
syahirah