sometimes, there's a million things running through your mind and you really want to tell that somebody about these thoughts. yet when there is a chance for you to do so, words alone cannot express whatever that is in your mind. or just perhaps, you arent exactly sure of what you're feeling in the first place.

yosephine's boyfriend and his family came over to visit her from indonesia to celebrate her birthday today (happy birthday phine!) it made me question myself whether i am brave enough to make the decisions that will inevitably cost me my freedom of having time and communication at leisure with my other half. somewhere in the day, i knew the answer to my question. the problem is, i dont know whether i should be pleased or be ashamed of it. hafiz would think otherwise of course, he is always someone who is determined enough not to let matters of the heart get in his way of accomplishing things that are going to be beneficial for the future. sometimes i envy him. but then again, whats wrong with reconsidering your decisions for the sake of the people you love most? including them in your decision making will simply tell how much they and their opinions matter to you. decisions do not have to be major, including them in decision making can be as simple as "do you think i should cut my hair, or just the fringe?" (:

just now i wanted to tell him, "im afraid i wont have much time with you once i take up this assignment". i knew what his response will be of course, so i put it in another way hoping to get a more definite answer. "do you mind me taking up the new assignment?"
he said its up to me.
seriously if its really up to me, i would have rejected it. because i would want my wednesdays and saturday mornings open for him. so that if he suddenly has the urge to have a gold rush or sticky chewy chocolate on a mid week, he can just tell me in the morning.. and i would have said "YES!".
but after giving it much thought, i took it up anyway. partly because i knew that he would have asked me to do the same if i ever told him about what was really bothering me. (well he did ask me, and i gave some sweeping statement). on the other hand, if it was him facing this situation, he would not even ask me for my opinion.. haha!.. but if he did, i would probably throw tantrums, sulk all day, pick random fights and ask him to reconsider his decision a few million times. in simple terms, one can say that i wouldnt be very happy.

"love complicates matters," they say. perhaps what really complicate matters are people themselves. perhaps people like me. maybe if people are more like hafiz and less like syahirah, practical decisions would be made without much fuss. (: